Tag Archives: Neo-Hippie

I Want to Know What I Want

I have a friend named Steve.  Steve lives in a world completely unbounded by shame.  He fascinates and irritates me at the same time.  He fascinates me because I have no personal frame of reference for his world view but I also am envious of the freedom in which he seems to live.  He irritates me because from my shame ego’s perspective his mere existence is a negative judgment on how I live my life.

I remember hiking with him many years ago.  We were walking along a mountain trail.  He suggested we go off the path.  The neo-hippie wannabe part of me readily agreed.  Yeah!  Stick it to the trail man who wants us to hike in specificly designated places!  Another part of me was annoyed.  We had a perfectly good trail to walk on, we were outside, getting exercise, being healthy and enjoying nature.  His suggestion implied that walking on the path was conformist and somehow an inauthentic experience of the natural world.

Recently I thought about this interaction when I was walking on a sidewalk.  Clearly the sidewalk was the designated place for me to walk.  I felt annoyed that the sidewalk builder was dictating where I should walk.  I considered walking off the sidewalk and cutting through a yard.  Then it felt like Steve was telling me where to walk and that felt annoying too.

In this scenario I do not really know what I want.  If I walk on the sidewalk I am conforming to society’s rule.  If I stray from the sidewalk I am conforming to Steve’s neo-hippie ethic.  If I ask myself what I truly want to do in this scenario my mind goes blank.  I have no real, whole-hearted desire.  Rather, I am trying to please two alien masters.  I am motivated by a desire to avoid the shame that goes along with making the wrong choice.

Even though I do not know what I want, I think the feeling of being annoyed is informative.  From the shame based perspective, feeling annoyed is wrong.  By being annoyed, on a passive aggressive level I am fighting the system and fighting the system is sinful.  Passive aggression is a primary tool in the shame-based tool box.  But the feeling of being annoyed is also a message from my true self.  There is something happening in the universe that I do not like.  That is the truth.  That is the key to finding out what I truly want.

Gestalt therapy taught me that my feelings are always right and never sinful.  That is, there is always a legitimate reason behind my feelings.  They do not arise because I am flawed.  I think my feeling of being annoyed comes from the no win situation my shame ego has constructed for me.  I can choose to walk on the sidewalk or cut across a yard.  Either way I am conforming and as such, unoriginal and inauthentic which is shame worthy.  It is the no win situation itself that irritates me.  I want to be unbound by shame and the no win situation.

I imagine Steve would not spend a second of his life considering any of this.  He would walk where he wanted to walk because he wanted to.  How utterly simple.  How utterly beautiful.  The no win situation is a construction of my shame ego as is not knowing what I want.

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The Neo-Hippies of Burlington, Vermont Circa 1993

Lake Champlain from the Burlington wharves

Lake Champlain from the Burlington wharves (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In the summer of 1993 after I graduated from college I moved to Burlington, Vermont to live with my cousin who was in graduate school at UVM.  Before I moved up there I sold all my CDs at the local head shop.  I had a bunch of Pink Floyd, Allman Brothers, The Who, Beatles and Grateful Dead I had been collecting since high school.  I had the notion that by selling my CDs I was saying good-bye to the old me and ushering in a new chapter of my life.  I remember driving up 91 North feeling optimistic.

My cousin had an apartment on Maple Street with this guy Collin.  They had an extra room with a mattress on the floor for me to sleep on.  Collin had one yellow tooth in the front of his mouth.  He was always making us feel like we were horrible roommates because we left dishes in the sink.  “There is no dish fairy,” he said one time.  I seem to remember him leaving dishes in the sink as well.  One time we were in another apartment with some of my cousin’s friends and Collin came over to lecture us about not leaving the light on when we were gone.  He said something about the Inuit people being displaced so that a dam could be built to supply America with power.  He was part of this neo-hippie culture prevalent in Burlington at the time.  For the most part we put up with Collin’s behavior.  I felt bad and wrong that I kept disappointing him as a roommate but looking back on it he was just an asshole.

Burlington was full of these neo-hippies who smoked pot, listened to Phish and drank “Good Beer”.  I did all that stuff too but I felt like an outsider most of the time.  I kept my hair short and I guess that made me suspect.  The apartment across the parking lot (the one Collin lectured us in) had some younger kids my cousin knew.  I think he taught a few of them.  He always wanted to go over there and get high.  There was this one guy named Raph (or something) with long hair who played guitar.  I remember being over there, sitting around listening to him play and wanting to leave but feeling awkward about it.  It felt like they would be offended with me if I got up to go.  There were so many times I sat there, completely baked wanting to leave.  Another time I was walking down the street to the barber shop.  I passed those kids in the street and said hello.  They asked where I was going so I told them.  They seemed to think it was funny that I was getting my hair cut.  Sometimes we went to parties but it was always the same scene. I always felt judged for being straight-laced by their standards. The funny thing was that I was no stranger to partying. I felt so judged by these people posing as peace-loving, free spirits.

There were some good people there too.  My cousin had some older friends that we hung out with and went swimming in this huge quarry that filled up with water.  I remember going out with my cousin and eating Gravy fries at this bar Nectars where the band Phish played before they got big.  I got a job working in this restaurant on Church Street called “The Coyote Café” and met some cool people there too.

One time my cousin left for a couple of weeks to see a few Grateful Dead concerts.  He invited me to come with him but if I did I would lose my job at the restaurant.  So I felt compelled to stay.  I remember a conversation with my father where he told me he was proud of me for not going with my cousin.  My cousin’s friend from Notre Dame named Axel visited at that time.  I remember we spent a lot of time together.  He taught me how to play some chords on a guitar I bought on Church Street.  I remember sitting in the apartment with him feeling bored and awkward when Collin would walk through the room.  I did feel like I bonded with him though.  Years later I met up with him again thinking we would be on friendly terms but he was a dick.

I remember wearing Tevas (a type of sandal) for the first time.  I felt liberated.  It was hot and I did not have to wear socks.  One time I was walking back to the apartment in torrential rain having a great time splashing in the rivers on the side of the road going down the hill.

My girlfriend from college came to visit.  I remember my cousin made fun of us for bringing a case of Rolling Rock back to the apartment because it was not “Good Beer”.  One time when I got back from work she told me about a conversation she had with my cousin.  He told her that I did not like to party (I forget the context).  This surprised her because of what it was like at college.  I guess for whatever reason I did not fit in with the neo-hippies my cousin hung around with.  Interestingly, my girlfriend grew up in Nashville, Tennessee with one of the kids in the other apartment.  Small world.

Another memory stands out from that time.  I had this beat up pair of bucks that I wore to work.  By the end of the summer they were covered in grease and crap from working in the kitchen at the restaurant.  I was going to throw them away because they looked horrible.  “But are they comfortable?” my cousin asked me.  I felt annoyed.  I did not want to answer him.  They were comfortable as a matter of fact but he was implying that I was committing some kind of moral offense by throwing away comfortable shoes simply because they looked bad.  This is part of that neo-hippie ethic.  It’s not what’s on the outside that matters, I guess is the central theme of the ethic (that and everything the white man does is horrible).  If I throw out a pair of comfortable shoes because they look bad then I am being a slave to fashion or giving into the man or societal pressure or something along those lines.  In the meantime this neo-hippie ethic was so politically correct and so judgmental.  I don’t think that was any better than the straight-laced alternative.  At the time I did not know why his question “But are they comfortable?” annoyed me so much.  I probably partially blamed myself for being annoyed with him.  The annoyed feeling was my true self talking to me.  Feelings are always right.


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