Tag Archives: Darkness

I Have Darkness and Light

Inside me there is both darkness and light.  It is the darkness that gets joy out of fucking with people on message boards and it is the light that has compassion for my children (for example).  After I fuck with people on message boards I feel bad.  It might be tempting to say it is the light that is making me feel bad for doing wrong.  That is morality.  But really this is my darkness now turned on me.  My darkness loves to fuck with people even if (or even especially when) that person is me.  Fucking with someone in this context means deriving pleasure by making another person feel bad.

The darkness is cowardly, dishonest and hides itself because it feels ashamed at its core.  It makes sense that darkness thrives on the anonymity of the internet.  To alleviate the pain of shame it acts out on other people, deriving pleasure by making them feel bad.  The darkness pretends to be the light by espousing morality and punishing immorality but what it is really doing is shaming other people and deriving pleasure from it.

By contrast, the light has compassion, forgiveness and acts wholeheartedly.  Several Bible verses come to mind. In Genesis the first thing God says is, “let there be light.” (Gen 1:3).  Then God separated the light from the darkness.  (Gen 1:4).  In John, Jesus said, “I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.”  (John 8:12).  Paul speaks of love but I suspect love in this context is the same thing as light.  “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”  (1 Cor. 13:4-7).

It might be tempting to say that labling the good part light and the bad part dark is a way of avoiding blame.  It is a way of saying that I am not responsible for my bad actions but rather the fault belongs with the darkness.  I think this is a message from the darkness which tries to shame and cast blame.  I think recognizing and accepting the darkness inside me is recognizing the truth and thus embracing the light.  When I recognize the darkness and how it acts inside me I am better able to stop myself before I act out and act from a place of honesty and light rather than shame and darkness.

 

Read my ebook Shame and Internet Trolling. Available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and iBooks.

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How to Love Yourself in Four Easy Steps

Separation of Light from Darkness ( )

Separation of Light from Darkness ( ) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Everyone has darkness and lightness.  If you feel judged all the time this judgement comes from inside of you.  That means you are judging yourself.  There may be other people judging you as well but the feeling of being judged comes from within.  The part that judges you is the darkness.  This part does not love you.  However, if feeling judged makes you feel bad then this means there is also a part that does not like being judged.  This is the light and is the part loves you.  I believe the light is your “true self”.  The darkness came from the outside world and was internalized.  The darkness is not your true self but pretends to be and if you are not aware of it then you will believe that it is your true self.  In this state of affairs you feel judged and you believe whatever is judging you is right to do so.  In order to love yourself this state of affairs must be dismantled.

 

Step One: Separate Yourself From the Darkness

 

To gain separation from the darkness you must become aware of it.  You must accept it as a part of you but also know it is not truly who you are.  To become aware of the darkness you must start with the intent to become aware of the darkness.  That is enough.  Cultivate this intent.  Take time each day to intend to do this, as a meditation.  Soon you will recognize when you become self critical, judgemental, jealous, resentful.  When this happens say to the darkness, “I see what you are doing.”  The more you do this the more you will become aware of the darkness and the more separate it will become from you.

 

Step Two:  Cultivate the Light Within You

 

There are many ways to cultivate the light within you.  Probably the most powerful way to cultivate the light within you is to forgive yourself.  This may be hard to do at first.  Here is how I started to do this.  I would always remember embarrassing events in my life and literally cringe.  This would happen several times throughout the day, every day.  I decided to let myself off the hook for these situations.  I allowed myself to remember these situations and love myself nevertheless.  I would say, “I can love myself through this.”  There are other ways to cultivate the light.  Make a list of 10 things you are grateful for (I have James Altucher to thank for that), do something whole heartedly, allow yourself to enjoy doing nothing or something you really want to do and meditation are all things that I have found will cultivate the light.

 

Step Three: Learn to Trust the Outside World

 

I learned this lesson in a men’s group.  The facilitators were therapists trained in the Gestalt body centered technique.  One session was particularly powerful for me and I broke down sobbing.  This would normally be a pretty humiliating situation for me.  But the group supported me and did not judge.  This was a key moment in my journey towards trusting the outside world.  I certainly have much further to go.

 

Step Four: Learn to Not Need the Outside World’s Approval

 

Ultimately, whether the outside world judges you or loves you, what really matters is that you love yourself.  There will always be judgemental people but if you can be there for yourself and support yourself through it that is the way out.  For me it is a long journey.  It comes in very small doses and I have a way to go, but I know there is truly a way out.

 

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