Tag Archives: Blog Writing

What am I doing here?

I have recently pondered the purpose of this blog and whether I should feel the obligation to continue it. Although I do not feel an obligation to a readership base, there is frequently a lingering thought that I should regularly create and post content. Perhaps this is the result of neural pathways that have been constructed resulting from dopamine released when I see views, likes and comments, or the slight adrenaline released when I debate with the friendly folks at the Orthosphere and the troll that has taken a fancy to my blog. There is also the sense that this blog feeds my need to be creative and strengthens my creative muscle.

But there is also the sense that I have something to say regarding my perception of this world. I have many thoughts, reactions and impressions, but until I write them down they are typically not in their most organized and coherent form. The act of writing works to shape these ideas etc. into a more coherent form. It also helps to process and release the ideas etc. That is, the ideas tend to linger in my conscience until I write them down and organize them. Once I write them down, the lingering tends to cease. I do not fully understand this process but it seems to be true.

So back to the initial question: What is the purpose of this blog? I believe the answer is: The purpose of this blog is to serve as a creative outlet where I can organize, process and release my thoughts and insights. I am not sure that purpose works to serve the interests of blog readers. Perhaps it does. But their interests are not my primary purpose. However, there is something about publishing a blog where other people can read it that aids in this process. To wit, if I write something in my private journal there is not much thought invested in the neatness of my hand writing or the organization of my ideas as they relate to another person reading them. If I am being honest, there is some thought that someone might read my journal. But when journal writing, I cannot worry about that because it defeats its purpose. In other words, my journal is a venue for me to be completely honest with myself. The purpose is simply to put the thoughts onto paper as a means of processing and releasing them. I rarely go back and reread a portion of my personal journal unless there is a specific idea I want to retrieve. In that sense my journal serves as a personal historical record but it also serves to process and release the ideas as I previously described. By contrast, blog writing incorporates an additional step whereby effort is expended to coherently organize thoughts and write them in a manner intended to be presentable to an outside audience. There is something about this extra step that more fully does the work of processing and releasing the ideas. I do not feel I completely understand this last point but it seems to be something along those lines.

This blog has existed since 2013. When I started, the initial purpose was probably more oriented towards amassing an audience. At that time, I was in a different place intellectually and spiritually. To a certain extent, this blog documents my intellectual and spiritual evolution since that time. In that sense, I make no claim that there is an internal coherence to the thoughts expressed except that they document this personal evolution. The purpose of this blog has likewise evolved from its initial state of wanting to put myself “out there” in some form, to a venue to organize my thoughts in a more coherent manner and to release them in order to move on to whatever is next from that intellectual platform.

Before I close, I would also like to touch upon the title of this blog; “Winston Scrooge”, which is a combination of the names of the protagonists in “1984” by George Orwell and “A Christmas Carol” by Charles Dickens. Both of these literary works have resonated with me deeply for various reasons. I can relate with Winston Smith of “1984” in his feeling of isolation, that the world can be a hostile and oppressive place and that struggling against it can be a fruitless and ultimately self-destructive enterprise. But I also relate to Ebenezer Scrooge of “A Christmas Carol” in his initial hardness of heart, but also in his underlying openness to change through the benevolent intervention of outside and divine forces. The telling of both their transformations through the course of their respective stories have lingered as ideas in my mind for most of my life. The fact that they have lingered so long suggests that I have not fully processed and released them.

I recently reread 1984 for a podcast I recorded and still extracted new and interesting information. I typically, reread “A Christmas Carol” before the end of the year. At the very least, I re-watch the Patrick Stewart version and hope to experience the unique resonance I have with it as well. Perhaps I will never fully process the depths of these stories. I hope I will never fully release either of them in the sense that I do not wish to loose that sense of resonance. I have to admit that my resonance with “A Christmas Carol” has dissipated somewhat of late. Perhaps I am clinging to something that should be released. But even that dynamic is informative. It demonstrates that in this life, all things evolve. I grow older and hopefully wiser. Old wounds can heal and the process of their healing is an evolution and an education if I am open to allowing it to be so.

And so, I will continue with this blog because it serves the purposes articulated above to do so. If there are readers out there who profit with me by my writing, so much the better. It is nice to think that is the case but I will remain on my guard not to let that be the motivation behind this enterprise. I will also keep in mind Winston Smith and Ebenezer Scrooge and their respective transformations that have resonated so deeply with me and continue to ponder why this is so as long as I continue to write.


Filed under A Christmas Carol, Psychology, Writing / Self-Publishing

The Solipsism of Creativity

img_0810For me, creativity is the joy of life. It is also a delicate fire that can be easily put out if not properly nurtured. Being creative requires a willingness to fail. It seems that for every ten failures there is one success. Very often that one success is not possible without those ten preceding failures. Being creative (at least for me) requires a certain level of exposure. There has to exist the opportunity to be judged by others to raise the stakes and risk catastrophe. This raising of the stakes gives it an energy that it would not otherwise have. This means that creativity requires a willingness to be vulnerable. In this way there are two counterbalancing forces at play. On the one hand creativity requires nurturing but on the other it must also risk negative judgment.

I make myself vulnerable in this way on a weekly basis when I write this blog. I write about what I am thinking. I enjoy the process of creating and putting it out there. The fact that what I write can be read by other people matters more than whether it is actually read because all of this is an internal and solipsistic process. In other words it is my own anticipation of my writing being read by others that (to a certain extent) fuels the fire of creativity

On the other hand there are very real, judgmental and sometimes hostile voices out there. These voices can manifest themselves as actual people in my blog’s comment section or as an internal critical voice. To a degree I enjoy their hostility because there is a power in getting their reaction. This is an ego based sort of enjoyment and as such is ultimately self annihilating in nature. As is the judgmental hostility it is interacting with. For this reason this enjoyment is something that I am not all together comfortable with. There is also a certain amount of defiance of this hostility on my part at play in this dynamic. This also fuels the fire. Moreover, if I were to not write and publish for fear of being judged I would only be stifling myself. This is a another form of self annihilation. So I must write.

These hostile forces share similar qualities. They all seem to take offense at true expression on supposed moral grounds. This is always the way with the ego who is threatened by the free expression of others. The ego is always comparing itself to others and placing everything on a hierarchy. It is threatened by the idea of equality and it employs shame to create this false hierarchy very likely because that weapon was used so successfully on it. I suspect there is jealousy at play here. The hostile force’s free expression had been shut down by shame and so it cannot bear to see free expression in others. It touches a point of pain that is too much to endure. Because it cannot be free no one else can be either. It sees freedom as rebellion and radical autonomy. It denies that freedom is actually the expression of one’s true nature which is the expression of God’s will.



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Put Yourself Out There

Yesterday I wrote a blog post about how to stay in a job you hate. In the post I talk about an office job I worked and hated for ten years. It was sarcastic and discussed the things I did to make the passage of time less excruciatingly boring and how I avoided going down those dark thought holes that lead to life dread and depression. I ended up not posting it because I envisioned applying for a job in the future and not getting an interview because someone stumbled across the post. I actually thought the post was pretty funny and clever. And I have heard that the most successful posts are the ones where you feel a little scared to post them. I have not confirmed this statistically (nor could I probably) but I feel like there is some truth to this idea. The posts where I am a little afraid to publish are the ones that expose some secret part of myself and contain real emotion. Anyway, I ended up not posting it because I was scared that it might come back and bite me down the line. This is an example of me not putting myself out there. It might be a missed opportunity. Maybe some book publisher or movie producer might have stumbled upon it and offered me some kind of book or movie deal. This is where my mind goes anyway.

As I said, I did not end up putting myself out there on that one. But I know I have to put myself out there sometimes otherwise I will remain stuck and frustrated with life. But the act of putting myself out there is tough for me because I am shame oriented and expect people to judge me negatively. I can forgive myself for not publishing that post because I recently did put myself out there in an e-book I recently self published. I fear other people’s reactions to this book because I got pretty personal talking about my emotions and I mention other people although I did not identify anyone other than myself specifically by name. Still, anyone who knows me would probably be able to figure out who most of the people are.

On that one I did put myself out there. I cast the die and let the chips fall where they may. Mostly likely nothing will result from it one way or the other. That is probably worse than getting a bad reaction come to think of it. The fear of no reaction is actually a big reason not to put myself out there. Of course if I do not put myself out there I guarantee that I will receive no reaction. To bring things full circle, I think not putting myself out there was certainly a contributing factor as to why I stayed working a job I hated for ten years of my life. Of course the root of this behavior is fear and fear is not easily overcome but it can be.


Filed under Shame, Uncategorized

Background Tree

The desire for fame for the sake of fame seems to me to be motivated by shame. We all want to be loved. The shame ego wants to be loved as well but it also believes that if other people knew the real “it”, they would reject it. So it forgets about the things that make it lovable and the things it loves and only focuses on trying to get other people to love it through deception (because truth will not work). When they do not love it (perhaps because they sense it is being fake) it hates them for it.

In third grade auditioned for a part in the play Hansel and Gretel. I pictured myself on stage entertaining people and receiving applause. After the audition I found out I had been assigned the role of background tree. I had no lines and stood in the background during one scene of the play. I was devastated. I could not understand why the teachers assigning the roles did not recognize my talents. I was used to being picked last for the kickball teams at recess and being assigned to the outfield in Little League baseball. But that was sports. This was something creative, the area in which I thought I excelled. The night I received my role I cried myself to sleep.

I have consistently acted in life that if I played by the rules, worked hard and denied myself eventually I would be rewarded. The world would love me some day. So far I have pretty much been a background tree. That is all I will ever be if I wait for the world to reward me for “paying my dues.”

At the same time there is the sense that if I do not achieve success in life that my life will be a failure and I will be humiliated. But if I unpack the idea of success it has less to do with achieving something specific and more to do with achieving the notoriety that comes with achieving something specific. It has to do with achieving fame and the approval of others. This is my shame ego’s prime motivation.

With acting, it should be for the love of acting and not the desire for fame. Even when I write this blog I find myself really motivated by the number of hits I get. But is that so wrong? It seems misplaced. To write the best blog it seems to me the focus should be on the writing and not on the reaction to the writing. Or maybe it is okay for there to be a little of both motivations.

I am in the process of finishing a book I hope to e-publish in the near future. I find myself struggling with the idea that I need to accomplish something (like publishing a book) because it will then validate my life in some way. I picture myself being interviewed, having a new source of income and reading the reviews. But then I think about society collapsing soon after, making wealth and fame irrelevant. Is it selfish to want these things? My shame ego definitely wants to convince me of this. It also wants me to feel foolish for even thinking it is possible. I was born to be a background tree after all.

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