I Wish I Was Dead

I say “I wish I was dead” involuntarily to myself many times a day.  I say it when I think of something embarrassing I have done in the past.  Often when I utter this phrase I feel guilty like I should not have said that or by saying that I have committed some offense.   I am sure it is the same force that makes me say this phrase that also makes me feel wrong for saying it.  It is shame.

Fuck you shame!  Leave me alone.

3 Comments

Filed under Shame

3 responses to “I Wish I Was Dead

  1. C. Richard

    Hi,

    I am a shame-based person too, stemming from child sexual abuse from my step-father and my mother’s depression and shame.

    I blurt things out all day too, under my breath sometimes out loud. IF my mind is occupied I usually is suppressed….Sometime it will be “I should kill myself” or “fuck me” or other self-berating comment. It is always triggered by a specific embarrassing memory in which I am do not live up to to some ideal perfection but it more about my total hatred of my being. It almost like I have Tourettes.

    Thanks for your blog.

    • I hope you know that it’s all bad programming. It’s not your fault. I have tremendous compassion for you because I know what you are going through.

      I definitely recommend Gestalt body centered therapy and a mens’ group if you have access to either. They’re really the only forms of therapy I have found effective. If you live in Connecticut I recommend the Hartford Family Institute. There’s a therapist there named Scott Sweeney who does great work. There’s also a book I read called “Healing the Shame that Binds You” by John Bradshaw that really changed my life.

  2. C. Richard

    Thanks. I appreciate the advice. I am in the Midwest. I am doing psychoanalysis therapy right now and just started a men’s incest survivor’s group therapy. I also go to AA. I will check that book out.

    I am finding your blog to so much like me, even though some of the details are different. I agree, it is a bad software virus of my mind. I actually don’t think I have biological depression, it is learned behavior and cognitive distortions that I repeat over and over, a cycle addictions, destabilization, disassociation. I am much more stable now…but have much more work to do.

    I am relatively high functioning, own a business, make good money, have an advanced degree, teach part-time at a college, etc. but am really internally often in crisis…..very shame driven.

    The self-berating I still have problems with. Sometimes my kids hear it and I am worried I am damaging them. I say sorry and acknowledge and talk about it, and my son wants me to do a swear jar but it not good. If I wear a wire that records, I am mindful and it doesn’t happen as much. More on this at a later date…….

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