I Wish I Was Dead

I say “I wish I was dead” involuntarily to myself many times a day.  I say it when I think of something embarrassing I have done in the past.  Often when I utter this phrase I feel guilty like I should not have said that or by saying that I have committed some offense.   I am sure it is the same force that makes me say this phrase that also makes me feel wrong for saying it.  It is shame.

Fuck you shame!  Leave me alone.


Filed under Shame

3 responses to “I Wish I Was Dead

  1. C. Richard


    I am a shame-based person too, stemming from child sexual abuse from my step-father and my mother’s depression and shame.

    I blurt things out all day too, under my breath sometimes out loud. IF my mind is occupied I usually is suppressed….Sometime it will be “I should kill myself” or “fuck me” or other self-berating comment. It is always triggered by a specific embarrassing memory in which I am do not live up to to some ideal perfection but it more about my total hatred of my being. It almost like I have Tourettes.

    Thanks for your blog.

    • I hope you know that it’s all bad programming. It’s not your fault. I have tremendous compassion for you because I know what you are going through.

      I definitely recommend Gestalt body centered therapy and a mens’ group if you have access to either. They’re really the only forms of therapy I have found effective. If you live in Connecticut I recommend the Hartford Family Institute. There’s a therapist there named Scott Sweeney who does great work. There’s also a book I read called “Healing the Shame that Binds You” by John Bradshaw that really changed my life.

  2. C. Richard

    Thanks. I appreciate the advice. I am in the Midwest. I am doing psychoanalysis therapy right now and just started a men’s incest survivor’s group therapy. I also go to AA. I will check that book out.

    I am finding your blog to so much like me, even though some of the details are different. I agree, it is a bad software virus of my mind. I actually don’t think I have biological depression, it is learned behavior and cognitive distortions that I repeat over and over, a cycle addictions, destabilization, disassociation. I am much more stable now…but have much more work to do.

    I am relatively high functioning, own a business, make good money, have an advanced degree, teach part-time at a college, etc. but am really internally often in crisis…..very shame driven.

    The self-berating I still have problems with. Sometimes my kids hear it and I am worried I am damaging them. I say sorry and acknowledge and talk about it, and my son wants me to do a swear jar but it not good. If I wear a wire that records, I am mindful and it doesn’t happen as much. More on this at a later date…….

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