Learn To Become Less Judgmental In Four Easy Steps

Recognizing I am judgmental helps to make me not judgmental.  This came about in four steps.

First step is being judgmental but feeling justified.

I used to be very critical and judgmental of other people.  Everyone was out to fuck with me.  No one pulled their own weight.  Everyone was stupid and uninformed.  I felt justified but miserable.  What I did not realize was that I was also being equally judgmental of myself.  That was why I was miserable.  I cannot be judgmental of other people without also being judgmental of myself.  But when I was in the midst of it I just felt like other people were judging me and that made me resentful.

Second step is being judgmental, acknowledging it and feeling guilty

At some point I realized I was being judgmental.  Perhaps I heard someone I respected saying that it was wrong to be judgmental.  I internalized that ethic and then when I experienced being judgmental I felt I was bad and wrong.  This state of affairs is more evolved than the first step, however, it is also more painful.  At this stage I was doubly judgmental.  I was judgmental of others and then judgmental of myself for being judgmental.  This also resulted in me feeling resentful.

Third step is being judgmental, acknowledging it but not judging yourself for it

At some point the negative feelings associated with judging myself became too much to endure.  Through Gestalt therapy I learned that did not have to constantly judge myself.  I recognized that I judged other people but I did not have to judge myself for it.  This broke the chain of shame that lead to resentment and depression.

Fourth step is being judgmental, acknowledging it and then choosing not to be judgmental.

Not judging myself for being judgmental of others allowed me to choose to not be judgmental of others.  The judgment would arise, but I could recognize it and choose not to act on it.  I am not always successful but I do not need to judge myself for this either.  Shame always tries to outflank me.  Forgiving myself outflanks shame, it breaks the chain of shame based action.

Alongside this process is learning and accepting where the judgment comes from.  For me, it came from the energy I bonded to.  I was judged and so I became judgmental.   In that respect, being judgmental was not my fault.  But if I recognize I am being judgmental and then choose to be judgmental it then becomes my fault.

Shame’s ultimate outflanking maneuver is that there are societal standards that need to be upheld.  If  these standards are not upheld  then society will decline and it will be my fault.  And the way I uphold societal standards is to judge those who do not uphold societal standards.  If I am not judgmental I am not upholding societal standards and it is my fault for societal decline.  In order to outflank shame I must forgive myself for this as well.

1 Comment

Filed under Shame

One response to “Learn To Become Less Judgmental In Four Easy Steps

  1. Pingback: Feelings Associated With Shame | Winston Scrooge

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