I used to troll a message board. I describe this in my recently published eBook entitled Shame and Internet Trolling. I targeted a conservative, ex-military guy from Texas. All I had to do was post an article that put the Republican party in a bad light and that would set him off on a vicious anti-Liberal rant. It felt exciting to get him riled up. When he accused me of trolling and / or baiting I would defend myself saying that all I did was post an article I thought would generate interesting conversation. Because I did not comment on the article directly I maintained plausible deniability. It was fun to get him riled up but when he attacked me back I felt horrible. I had to get the last word in. I could not let him get the better of me. Sometimes other members on the message board would take his side. Then I would feel even worse.
The truth is that passive aggression comes from shame. If I really felt the article was valuable in and of itself I would have advocated for it. But instead I tried to maintain deniability to protect myself from counter attack and maintain the illusion that I merely posted the article to stimulate discussion. Shame based behavior such as passive aggression comes from a mind that assumes that its true thoughts and feelings are not okay. If somebody else were able to observe these thoughts and feelings they would judge the mind harshly so the thoughts and feelings must be hidden and denied. To the shame based mind image is more important than reality. Of course this mindset is ultimately undermining and self-defeating. Reality is real (by definition). If the mind values image over reality it is in a sense denying reality and at odds with it. This results in more shame and anxiety to boot.
In the Book of John, chapter 8, verse 32, Jesus says, “[T]he truth shall make you free.” In the context of this post this statement is very powerful because shame (the motivation behind passive aggression) is a prison of untruth and unreality. In order to escape the prison of shame the mind must face its highest fear, to expose the truth within to the light of day and for all to see and judge (if they choose to) without excuses. This is a very tall order for someone who suffers from shame. I speak from person experience and in my experience just as this prison takes many, many years to build and perfect it also takes some time (though not as much) to be torn down. The fear of exposure must be approached with caution and the waters tested gradually over time so that trust of the outside world is built up. Further, and most importantly, the shame based mind must learn to not abandon itself in the face of shame. I used to say, “I wish I was dead” to myself whenever I felt shame or embarrassment. Now, when I experience shame or embarrassment I try to be aware of what is going on inside of me and then I say, “I can love myself through this experience.” The reality of the situation is that shame is just an emotion and all emotions are real and okay. They have to be otherwise the one who feels the emotion is not okay. It is difficult to emerge from shame and appreciate this at first. But doing so brings forth the dawn of liberation for a shame based person and when this happens behaviors like passive aggression begin to fade away.
- Passive Aggressive Behaviour Information (healnowtherapyhypnosis.blogspot.com)
- The Passive Aggressive Provocation Game…and how not to play! (savingcassandra.wordpress.com)
- Passive Aggressiveness and Why it is Deadly (tryingtodanceintherain.wordpress.com)
- Ariah Velasquez – Passive Aggressiveness is the Wounded Heart – 12 July 2014 (lucas2012infos.wordpress.com)
- The Passive Aggressor: Artist or Asshole? (tomnardone.net)
- A Pscyhological Definition of Passive Aggressive Behavior (psych.answers.com)
- Most people don’t know what Passive Aggressive means… (madelinescribes.wordpress.com)
- Passive-Aggressive In-Laws: How to Beat Them at Their Own Game (weddingbee.com)
- Rant: Passive Aggression (stuphblog.wordpress.com)